That Second Child I might never have.

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My husband and I wanted a second child after little T.  Admittedly, we didn’t try right away.  We were just too caught up in loving every single minute with her that we forgot one important matter to parents of a certain age: t-i-m-e.  You see I was 37 when I gave birth to my darling girl.  We should’ve seriously tried after her first birthday.

He wanted another daughter, I yearned for a little boy.  We tried when T was around three, but I guess it just isn’t meant to be and I’m okay with that now (I think).  Though admittedly, for the longest time, it actually felt like I was grieving for the son that I’ll never have. And sometimes, when I allow myself the “maybe-it-can-still-happen thoughts”, I feel a tiny minuscule flicker of hope ignite inside me, but as the months turn into years, that already small flame is diminishing little by little.

We kept little T’s buggy and car seats (from baby to toddler) up in the attic. But last month, when we cleared old stuff because of the move we thought we were doing, we decided to give them to a friend who gave birth a few months ago.  They are all gone now. All her baby toys and clothes she’s outgrown.  There won’t be another baby to use them, at least not ours.  We saved a few bits that we really love like her first shoe, first winter duffel coat and other special things.

A week or so go ago I blurted another “What if once we finally move … with all the stress behind us … What if I get pregnant again?”  My poor lovely husband gave me a tired smile and said “Yes, you’ll never know, it might just happen”.  But I knew that sad smile also meant “My poor wife, she’s still hoping …”  Later on that very same day, I was happily chatting to one of our mum friends and I also mentioned it, she agreed “Yes, you’ll never know”.

Then that night, as I lay in a hot nice bath I tried to remember my age.  You see, I’m the kind who keeps forgetting.  (Now whether this is done intentionally, I have no idea 😉  I called to T who was just in the other room and asked her “How old is mummy, sweetie?”  She hollered back “43 mum” and then my heart sank.  Forty-bloody-three, who am I kidding?  I’ll never get pregnant again.  It took us ages to get pregnant with T.

It’s easy to write about the happy days, isn’t it?  Or about the awful English weather outside, how it paints a grim picture as I sit and type this. Or the sunshiny days we’ve been having lately, or how lovely it is to live in a small village by the sea.

But I struggle with the words to describe how I feel about my hypothetical other child.  The one that I’ll never have. All I know is this, every time it’s that time of the month, my heart breaks a little, even though I know the chances of me getting pregnant is slim and getting slimmer by the day.  Who am I kidding?  I’m afraid time is more of a foe right now.  Yes, I know it can still happen.  A blogger friend insists that it can still happen, because it happened to her.  But each year goes by and nothing happens and I’m slowly accepting that perhaps, it just isn’t meant to be?  And I know some of you may think, oh but you should be thankful that you have little T, some keep trying and aren’t even lucky enough to have one child.  Yes, I am thankful every single day that we were blessed to have her, but given the chance, I’d love to have that second child.

What’s the most difficult reality you’ve had to accept?

Do share.

50 Comments

  1. What a heartfelt and honest post. I don’t know what this feels like as I have 3 children of my own. However when I had my eldest I was a single parent for many years and as she grew I thought I was destined to only have the one child. I use to feel a little pang every time someone I knew had a baby as I longed for another and thought the day would never come. xx
    Lindsay at Newcastle Family Life recently posted…A Afternoon In ScarboroughMy Profile

    • Thank you. I’m actually fine with it most of the time, like you said, it’s just a little pang I feel every now and then. x

  2. Such an honest post. My mum struggled to conceive and there is a 4 year gap between my brother and I. I finally came along when her focus moved onto something else. It could happen when you least expect it. Xx
    Laura @dearbearandbeany recently posted…Holly…Twenty MonthsMy Profile

  3. Reading this felt as if I was reading my own story. In my fourth decade of life, ever thankful for the blessing that is my son, secretly hoping against hope for a second miracle that might never be. xx
    Vai Chin recently posted…Time For A Blog Overhaul?My Profile

    • It’s difficult isn’t it? On the one hand, we’re happy and thankful with what we have. And yet, deep inside we’re still yearning for another one. Who knows, a miracle might happen. Not too late though I hope 😉 xx

  4. Fi Ni Neachtain

    A very honest post, I think when we feel something is so final and may not ever happen again we grieve or want it even more.

  5. Oh this made me so sad, I completely sympathise with you although my story is very different. My second child died and following that we were told that our chances of conceiving were very low. We under went countless fertility treatments and lost a total of 15 babies along the way. It was a very harsh reality to accept that not only had we lost our second child but that there would never be another. My marriage actually ended eventually, the grief and the sadness was just too raw, and in time I met my now husband. Following a few more losses we were put in touch with the most amazing consultant and by some miracle we had not only one more baby, but THREE more babies in just over two years. My children are now 12, 3, 2 and 1 and I always tell anyone who is worrying about having a baby, look at me. I am living proof that miracles DO happen. Never give up hope. xxx
    laura dove recently posted…A whole lot of nothing.My Profile

    • Yes, I know your story too 🙁 15 babies… That must have been another difficult journey for you. I do admire your strength and your children are all lovely too. Thank you. xx

  6. Oh goodness, this breaks my heart. I’m glad you understand the amazing time you have with your first though because many out there can’t even conceive the one. Keep trying and you never know – if it’s meant to be, it’ll be 🙂
    Alina | interiors home blogger UK
    alina recently posted…NexttonotimeMy Profile

  7. This made me sad, I can’t think of anything that could be harder to accept. I’d kind of come to the understanding that I won’t have any more babies but lately that feels like its changing. I don’t know. The blatant truth is that you could very well get pregnant, I inadvertently joined a pregnancy group on Facebook for over 40s and there are so many success stories, my own mum had me at 40. If it doesn’t happen, then you have a reluctant acceptance, but I hope either way you get your happy. H x
    Harriet from Toby & Roo recently posted…Twinning is winning… sometimes!My Profile

    • Most times I’m okay with just having one child… Admittedly, there are times when I can’t help but wonder about the “what ifs”. You’ll never know right. Thank you.

  8. I will tell you what you are so darn brave and not just because you have accepted that you might not get pregnant again but also because you chose to share that knowledge with us. Just know you have a beautiful child that loves you unconditionally and while you yearn for your other child your little one will always be there with you xx
    Ana De- Jesus recently posted…Why Bloggers Need A Digital DetoxMy Profile

  9. Dean this is such a beautifully honest post and no matter how thankful you are to have Little T, I am sure it is still hard to accept that she may never be blessed with a sibling and to grieve the second child that you might never have. Who knows though, it still might happen. Hugs xx
    Louise (Little Hearts, Big Love) recently posted…From the mouths of babes #68My Profile

  10. Such an honest post. I have one child and I’m 33, I had postnatal depression though so I’m not sure about having another for this reason. I’d always wanted two but we’ll see – I’m sure I’ll be just as happy with one 🙂

  11. What an amazing and heart warming post, I think everything for a reason and as much as I am hating typing this it’s something I keep getting told. I hope someday in the future there is a husband and child for me too for now I will keep my spirits up and will virtually keep yours up too
    Anosa recently posted…{Fashion Monday} Chill with MaudMy Profile

    • Thank you for your lovely words. The right one will come along and you’ll have a little one too. I did the whole career move first and met my husband in my 30s, got married when I was 36. Had T and the rest as they say is history. Your time will come. For now, you are doing exactly what you should be doing – enjoying your life and travelling the world! 🙂 xx

  12. This definitely struck a chord with me. I’m 35 and single, and had my son nearly 2 years ago via donor conception after simply never meeting anyone. I’m fine with being single and don’t feel desperate to meet anyone-but I too would love another child and financially it’s not really viable to have another on my own at this point. I hope things work out for you, and you get either your miracle or a sense of acceptance.

    • Most days I do feel a sense of acceptance, it’s just sometimes I still do feel as if I’ve lost something. I’m sure you know what I mean 🙁 Hope things work out for you too.

  13. Such an honest post. My Mom actually spoke about the heartbreak you feel each month when trying to conceive. Sending you positive vibes for whichever happy ending you get x

    • Thank you. To be fair though, most days I do feel as if I have my happy ending 🙂

  14. I am so sorry to hear about your struggles. I know you have read my story of Irish twins and I told you never to give up hope…which you shouldn’t. You should also prepare yourself for the fact that it could happen later in life when you least expect it which is exactly what happened to me. For now embrace your little one and look at the bright side. Having one is sooooo much easier when it comes to trying to find a babysitter 🙂 I am coming back at you from the Facebook BloggerUKClub page.

  15. Reading this make me so sad for you! As people have said: you never know… I think stress perpetuates these matters tenfold because you’re constantly thinking Am I/aren’t I?
    I guess for me it was a reality that my eyesight was never coming back, and I will never be able to see my family/any children I ever have. With each day it gets easier, but I know until that day comes, I wont really truly know how it affects me.
    Sending you big hugs! Xxx

    • Oh Sassy, yes of course. You are a brave and strong woman! I should aim to be like you 🙂 Sending you big hugs back. xxx

  16. Oh I feel for you, could you perhaps see your GP and take some advice, it does happen for women your age but they may be able to give a helping hand and advice. I have also heard that acupuncture works well. I shall keep everything crossed that you get your wish x
    Kara Guppy recently posted…Green Toys Fire TruckMy Profile

    • Thanks. We’ve talked about adoption but my husband isn’t so keen on the idea… But yes, you’ll never know.

  17. Oh lovely, this is so sad. You never know what could happen though but I understand what you mean. It’s horrible when the choice is taken away from you or if a decision is limited because of reasons beyond your control. Such an honest and heartfelt post. x
    Chloe recently posted…YUMBOX REVIEW AND GIVEAWAYMy Profile

    • Everyone is right, you’ll never know, I might suddenly announce that I’m pregnant.

  18. As soon as I had Mr. T, I knew I was done. I was like “can I get a hysterectomy? can we just do that while I’m in the hospital?” And my mom, and even my doctor, were all, ‘you are so young, you’ll have more kids, you’ll want more kids’
    Nope. And apparently I am still bitter that no one would listen to my wishes!! LOL. I love having just one (but I’m also a single parent!), the freedom, the flexibility, the having space in the car! 🙂
    Kate @ Did That Just Happen Blog recently posted…Save the Excuses and Look up Dog VideosMy Profile

    • I guess what they say is true, it can actually happen any time 🙂 Hope you get your wish. x

  19. There is a huge gap between my oldest and younger 2. Shes 19 and they are 4 and 1. Once my first marriage ended i thought I would never have any more kids, then when i met my hubby it took a while to get pregnant with our first, thr next was faster but im 37 now and we always wanted lots of kids but my pregnancies were really difficult with HG the whole way through and SPD im just not sure i could do it again but its too difficult even though i have 3 to decide not to have anymore, we have kept everything and keep saying we wil see what happens and how we feel after ive lost weight and got myself as fit and healthy as i can, its scary even thinking about going through that again but also scary thinking we wont have anymore.

    • I can relate with what you’ve just said. Sending you good vibes and well wishes over blogosphere 🙂

  20. Such a lovely post. I fell pregnant with my eldest really quickly (we weren’t even trying) so I assumed when the time was right that I would just have another baby quite easily. How wrong was I? After years of trying and fertility treatment I did eventually get pregnant which ended in a miscarriage, then I had two girls which we lost. Such a tough time and I didn’t want another baby after that. Then I fell pregnant and my little rainbow is 3 now. I am so blessed to have my two and although I would love more I know I cannot go through that again.
    Michelle Murray recently posted…#Digtheadventure with JCB KidsMy Profile

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